I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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