If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
