We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
