I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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