I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Randomize
