all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
