why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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