You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
