i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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