I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
