Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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