Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
