I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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