Im at strip club and am horny
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
