Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
