I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I will die if light touches me.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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