He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
God I need to hump something, right now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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