Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
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