2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
