Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
