Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
