we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
