i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
