its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
