i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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