I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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