I will die if light touches me.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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