I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
