I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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