I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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