I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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