We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
