Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg šš
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being āgoodā and 10 being ābanging a studentās fatherā, how bad is it that Iām banging a studentās father?
Randomize
