i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
