someone threw a dead crab at me
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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