Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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