Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
