Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
