You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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