im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
