When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Randomize
