i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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