i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
