I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
