If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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