A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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