Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
