I need to stop coming to work sober
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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