Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
