Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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