I got chris browned last night
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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