What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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