You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Randomize
