new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
