4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
