I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
