Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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