Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
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