My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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