i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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